- Hard Work is Opportunity
- Sexy is being Smart and Thoughtful
- Live the Life YOU want to Build
I was wrong. One person's passionate speech broadcasted, shared, and viewed by millions of individuals seemed to have very little impact on us- it appears sexy is still a woman with a tiny waist and perfectly formed breasts exposing skin and/or wearing tight, eye catching clothes (Battlestar Galactica), a man with chiseled abs and scruffy face (Crazy Stupid Love), and utter selfishness about what pleasure is.
I've seen the thoughtlessness of our time over the past year in a myriad of ways and have been thoughtless myself. I began to notice it acutely when people would ask, "How was China?" and then interrupt me after a minute or allow their eyes to glaze over in seconds. My perception broadened when I started realizing people ask, "How are you?" as a formality, a polite way of hello, a facade of community, and not a genuine question. Have you ever tried sincerely say how you feel, think, have been, and hope to be when a person- friend, family, stranger- asks you that question? More often than not, one is jarred that you dared to shift attention from him or her to you.
HOW DARE YOU BE A PERSON.
Perhaps you have noticed that people you love in the purest, deepest of relationships are the ones you can say, "How are you?" and they give a full, honest answer and request one of you in return. To those individuals, not only can you think and exist, but you engage with the world just as much as he or she does. Those people think about you, with you, around you, and in relationship to you. They are full of thought as are you and it pours into each other. You matter.
Thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness is recognizing you have wants and desires but also realizing that other people have them too. Thoughtfulness is taking their outlook into perspective and making a decision in the most ethical and/or moral way possible. Thoughtlessness is failing to recognize other people think and feel just as much as you do. Selfishness is thinking about it and then only doing what is best for you anyways.
I understand that in our era, thoughtfulness is a hard character trait to build and even more difficult to master. It is demolished by the media we consume, the political propaganda we absorb, and the technology with which we surround ourselves. For example, let me pick on Game of Thrones (spoiler!), everyone's favorite boobalicious, sword swinging, hetero-normative, white male perspective HBO fantasy. I genuinely love this show- it pulls on my heart because I crave redemption for people and I absolutely believe that it can be attained. This show constantly has humanity sinking further and further into the abyss of greed, pride, lust, fear, and desperation and I keep watching because I cannot bear to see them not redeemed some day. However, the show is entirely based on selfish desires, save for maybe Daenerys and Lady Olenna Tyrell, both of whom seek a solution that is better for a larger group. There is a constant pull for power, a continuous portrayal of submissive, naked women for men to satisfy themselves on, and a total lack of thought for the common people who are directly impacted by the politics they play. Even individuals like Sansa and Cersei, though victims at times, began their downward fall because they chose to think only of what they hoped for and wanted without regard for others. My favorite character, Arya Stark, lulls herself to sleep at night on the bloodlust she has for the men and women who destroyed her family. She thinks only of her revenge. There is majority selfishness and we revel in it every Sunday night. That same mentality echoes in many other shows and is reinforced by real time news reporting or lack thereof. Finally, we live in the age of "personal devices" and have a stronger connection to what we want with our phone instead of how the others of us at breakfast might want to have a conversation.
Furthermore, because our environment degrades thoughtfulness, we do not have the strength to change it. And suddenly that sense of thinking of others, being aware of outside our own deceitful minds, becomes some kind of glorified, unattainable quality of saints. We cannot expect people to be thoughtful because it is just so hard.
And then we begin to excuse thoughtlessness. People say "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference," and it's true. The opposite of thoughtfulness isn't selfishness, it's thoughtlessness.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." "It didn't even cross my mind!" "Oh no, I was caught up and didn't realize!" "Oh did you need this? I wasn't paying attention." We brush the mistakes off because, bless their heart, they just were not aware.
Disgusting.
A total lack of thought, a presence of mind absent of the people around you, is the ultimate selfishness. You say, without saying, that you are the only one with important thoughts and feelings so you are the only one you should pay attention to. Then, that becomes, "they probably don't even feel or think." And then, you are not surrounded by people but objects, things to push aside. It's not even selfish, because you aren't consciously choosing yourself over another. To a thoughtless person, there is no "other."
Sexy is being thoughtful. Sexy is not pulling your phone out in the middle of a conversation, unless it's an emergency. Sexy is remembering that a friend has issues with body image and so you avoid trigger words like "skinny" vs. "fat" or avoid comparing other people in front of him or her. Sexy is knowing what is important to a person and if it's their space, you ask when you can enter it. Sexy is loving others as much as you love yourself.
